Be Alone

I realize days before the TOEFL test at 28th September are less than two weeks. These days the only topic of my diaries is TOEFL, and even I get bored about it as well. Though the theme of my life now is TOEFL, I haven’t devoted even half of myself into it. I said to friends this evening that TOEFL is the only unresolved issue of the whole stuff of applying abroad. This kind of urgent situation never did any help on my struggle of study. I really have the impulse to kill myself.

Recently I don’t know what inflamed me the interest of reading. Several months ago I bought a book named 「Cien anos de soledad」 which seems famous in the fields of literature. The author is a Colombian, so I guess the language of the name of these book printed on the cover is Spanish and I have no idea what the English name it is. Though this book was published in 1967, it may be the problem of its content and never imported in China until recently. Lots of people have read this book before it came to China through illegal copies. I’ve read about 140 pages and I really feel it bored till now and I really confuse why it gets such a famous fame. The book is all about absurdity, sex and incest. By the way, the author won the Nobel Prize in 1982.

I looked for rewarding books on Douban someday evening. After a long time work I found that there were still several books I bought before but never finished. The number of books I want to read always rises faster than the number of books I have read. So I think it would be better to buy extra books after I finish them.

The day after tomorrow I will buy the ticket to Jinan, and this will be the first time I go to a strange place alone. I feel a sort of exited even though Jinan is near Beijing and it is a normal city not as cities in Yunnan and some other west provinces. And I haven’t planned my travel route and schedule such as how many days I spend in Jinan? Where am I goanna go the next, Taishan Mountain or Qingdao? I think I’ll figure it out days later. And my mom hastened me to book a hotel as soon as possible. There really are lots of things to be done.

These days I all ate in school refectory, alone. This afternoon I read an article on Douban about aloneness. She lives alone and cooks for herself. The depiction of food and cooking occupies most lines of her article. The lifestyle of her really gives others the relaxed and liberated feelings. It really engendered resonance of me. Aloneness is different from loneliness as everybody knows. When and how can I enjoy the aloneness? I’m waiting for the answer. May be the trip to Jinan is a good start.